Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
A woman and her cantankerous, bloody-minded, foul-mouthed miserable nagging husband take a Trip to the Far East together, and visit Jerusalem, where the husband, suddenly dies.
The woman is respectfully mournful, and enquires about her husband's remains.
The Doctor tells her,
"Madam, we can fly your husband home, and the cost would be around £12,000 all told. But if you have the funeral here, the cost will only be around £500."
"Oh, in that case, I'll fly him home, thank you" Weeps the wife.
"Madam, I think you misunderstand..." falters the doctor... "It will cost £12,000 to fly him home..."
"Oh no, I understood you perfectly!"! Interjects the wife, "But the last fella buried here, got up again after three days, and no way am I risking THAT!"
I didn't do a good job explaining. I was reminded of how much of my suffering is self inflicted illusion I'm welcome to stop. Maybe even more relevant to me the second time around.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, God doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!
· So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
6
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
I heard two one-liner insults. The first made me smile wryly....
"Well, I'd love to agree with you but, then we'd BOTH be wrong..."
...And the second one made me laugh out loud, and be desperate for ANY occasion to use it!
"It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer."
I took a sound meditation class once. We were instructed to lay down on our yoga mats, relax and close our eyes. The instructor had a box of noise making instruments and items, drums, gongs, feathers, cymbals, wood blocks, fans, shells, a fishing pole thing, and proceeded to use them.
All the noises were very nice and peasant creating a gentle relaxing atmosphere except one. This one noise was downright terrifying. Sort of a repetitive squeaky shrieking. Afterward I approached her and asked about the terrifying noise maker she used and thanked her as it helped reveal some difficult mental formations which I could then address. She said she had no idea what I was talking about. When I described the noise to her she said something to the effect of "Oh, that's this broken one here. I broke it a few classes ago and haven't fixed it yet."
Want your ankles to be teething toys?
Want your socks, shoes, papers chewed up and shredded?
Want daily doody duty?
Want a loyal companion?
Get a puppy!
4
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
@Lionduck said:
Want your ankles to be teething toys?
Want your socks, shoes, papers chewed up and shredded?
Want daily doody duty?
Want a loyal companion?
Get a * baby! *
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Three Jewish Mommas are sitting on a park bench.
The first says,
"My Ishmael! Best Son in the world - ! Rings me every Shabbat and we talk on the phone for an HOUR!"
The second says,
"Huh, My son Isaac! he's the BEST son! He rings me 3 times a week, and we talk for three hours!"
The last woman says,
"Huh! No, MY son Daniel is the best! He goes to his therapist 5 days a week, and all he can talk about, is me!"
Rdiculously bad joke time:
Overheard somewhere:
Be good. If you can't be good, just what are you? A poitician?
It has been said that politicians are the ones making the laws that then apply to
everyone...except politicians.
Does anyone here remember the British comedian Tommy Cooper ?
1
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
Yeah I remember him well, although my humour tended more towards Monty Python.
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Oh I remember Tommy Cooper; my husband met him. He could drink anyone under the table. And (not wanting to be a party pooper, but) I watched him literally die, on stage.
His great friend, Jimmy Tarbuck was compering the show, and had to go on stage to introduce the next act, all the while knowing his very good friend was lying behind the curtain, and was dead.
But I knew, as I watched him slowly collapse, that it wasn't part of the act... and I was sadly, right.
2
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
Dieing while you do what you love, thats not given to everyone.
"Would the owner of the seven limos parked in front of the executive entrance please move them. You are blocking the owner of the seven limos waiting to enter."
A commonly used term during a certain former Secretary of State's tenure.
Which turned out to be preferable to a certain former head of state proclaiming,
"There were good people on both sides."
meanwhile the pidgins took great pleasure in targeting the newly aqired Hummer.
[Note: If this make sense, report to your nearest psych ward immediately..you need help]
1
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
I rang them. The minute I spoke, they put the phone down.
As we all know, humour is a serious business.
Funny thing that.
As we know many of our 'leaders' in all realms are comical … and ignorant of the fact.
A monk asked Zhaozhou, “What is that which is spiritual?”
The Master replied, “A puddle of piss in the Pure Land [of Amitabha Buddha].”
The monk said, “I ask you to reveal it to me.”
Zhaozhou said, “Don’t tempt me.” https://cundi.weebly.com/crazies.html
@federica said:
Oh I remember Tommy Cooper; my husband met him. He could drink anyone under the table.
And (not wanting to be a party pooper, but) I watched him literally die, on stage.
I never found Tommy Cooper particularly funny or his appeal. Then I found out he was an alcoholic. Severe. Then it made sense.
Comments
A woman and her cantankerous, bloody-minded, foul-mouthed miserable nagging husband take a Trip to the Far East together, and visit Jerusalem, where the husband, suddenly dies.
The woman is respectfully mournful, and enquires about her husband's remains.
The Doctor tells her,
"Madam, we can fly your husband home, and the cost would be around £12,000 all told. But if you have the funeral here, the cost will only be around £500."
"Oh, in that case, I'll fly him home, thank you" Weeps the wife.
"Madam, I think you misunderstand..." falters the doctor... "It will cost £12,000 to fly him home..."
"Oh no, I understood you perfectly!"! Interjects the wife, "But the last fella buried here, got up again after three days, and no way am I risking THAT!"
Happy Easter everyone!
@how reminded me of one of my default dream-states. lol
I think we need a "confused" button
I didn't do a good job explaining. I was reminded of how much of my suffering is self inflicted illusion I'm welcome to stop. Maybe even more relevant to me the second time around.
Mod Note:
No, this is a thread for funny jokes and cartoons. This isn't a thread for personal angst and things which aren't really jokes or funnies...
Keep to side-splitting hilarious contributions, thanks!
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, God doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!
· So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
I heard two one-liner insults. The first made me smile wryly....
"Well, I'd love to agree with you but, then we'd BOTH be wrong..."
...And the second one made me laugh out loud, and be desperate for ANY occasion to use it!
"It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer."
I took a sound meditation class once. We were instructed to lay down on our yoga mats, relax and close our eyes. The instructor had a box of noise making instruments and items, drums, gongs, feathers, cymbals, wood blocks, fans, shells, a fishing pole thing, and proceeded to use them.
All the noises were very nice and peasant creating a gentle relaxing atmosphere except one. This one noise was downright terrifying. Sort of a repetitive squeaky shrieking. Afterward I approached her and asked about the terrifying noise maker she used and thanked her as it helped reveal some difficult mental formations which I could then address. She said she had no idea what I was talking about. When I described the noise to her she said something to the effect of "Oh, that's this broken one here. I broke it a few classes ago and haven't fixed it yet."
Want your ankles to be teething toys?
Want your socks, shoes, papers chewed up and shredded?
Want daily doody duty?
Want a loyal companion?
Get a puppy!
.... No, you're right. Get a puppy!!
Three Jewish Mommas are sitting on a park bench.
The first says,
"My Ishmael! Best Son in the world - ! Rings me every Shabbat and we talk on the phone for an HOUR!"
The second says,
"Huh, My son Isaac! he's the BEST son! He rings me 3 times a week, and we talk for three hours!"
The last woman says,
"Huh! No, MY son Daniel is the best! He goes to his therapist 5 days a week, and all he can talk about, is me!"
Rdiculously bad joke time:
Overheard somewhere:
Be good. If you can't be good, just what are you? A poitician?
It has been said that politicians are the ones making the laws that then apply to
everyone...except politicians.
What time Friday? I mean all day or a set period, like between 2 and 4?
Is that am or pm?
And surely a really precision-minded person would be using the 24 hour clock.
Does anyone here remember the British comedian Tommy Cooper ?
Yeah I remember him well, although my humour tended more towards Monty Python.
Oh I remember Tommy Cooper; my husband met him. He could drink anyone under the table. And (not wanting to be a party pooper, but) I watched him literally die, on stage.
His great friend, Jimmy Tarbuck was compering the show, and had to go on stage to introduce the next act, all the while knowing his very good friend was lying behind the curtain, and was dead.
But I knew, as I watched him slowly collapse, that it wasn't part of the act... and I was sadly, right.
Dieing while you do what you love, thats not given to everyone.
"Would the owner of the seven limos parked in front of the executive entrance please move them. You are blocking the owner of the seven limos waiting to enter."
A commonly used term during a certain former Secretary of State's tenure.
Which turned out to be preferable to a certain former head of state proclaiming,
"There were good people on both sides."
meanwhile the pidgins took great pleasure in targeting the newly aqired Hummer.
[Note: If this make sense, report to your nearest psych ward immediately..you need help]
I rang them. The minute I spoke, they put the phone down.
As we all know, humour is a serious business.
Funny thing that.
As we know many of our 'leaders' in all realms are comical … and ignorant of the fact.
A monk asked Zhaozhou, “What is that which is spiritual?”
The Master replied, “A puddle of piss in the Pure Land [of Amitabha Buddha].”
The monk said, “I ask you to reveal it to me.”
Zhaozhou said, “Don’t tempt me.”
https://cundi.weebly.com/crazies.html
"We don't want our slugs to get killed."
Hilarious… “we’re a bit scared” of a hedgehog?!
Speaking of tea and cake..
King Charles III is supremely qualified for the position. First, he had to be born... then, he had to not die.
What do you call an Acid with an attitude ?
A mean oh acid
Hey buddy pick on someone your own size
I never found Tommy Cooper particularly funny or his appeal. Then I found out he was an alcoholic. Severe. Then it made sense.