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@Kerome said: @lobster are you looking into keeping your bees as healthy as possible? I’ve known several bee keepers in the past, one of which ran a foundation for bee health which advocated taking a minimum of honey from the hives because honey is a better food for bees than sugar water, which is what most bee keepers use to replace the honey they take.
Hmmmmm....I think you may have missed the joke @Kerome
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JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
@Kerome said: @lobster are you looking into keeping your bees as healthy as possible? I’ve known several bee keepers in the past, one of which ran a foundation for bee health which advocated taking a minimum of honey from the hives because honey is a better food for bees than sugar water, which is what most bee keepers use to replace the honey they take.
Hmmmmm....I think you may have missed the joke @Kerome
Joke, there was a Joke? Bees are a serious matter! Oh yeah freebees.
@Kerome ... it is a joke. Read again, particularly the ending ...
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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
I on the other hand, have really and legitimately been a bee-keeper. I had a wonderful hive, and we had some marvellous honey from it. Because we had a queen separator, the bees had plenty of honey for themselves, beneath it. Above it, the takings were ours...
1
personDon't believe everything you thinkThe liminal spaceVeteran
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"
God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone"
The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought..."
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”
The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”
The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Actual comment from a friend of mine.
"I used to suffer from basiphobia until I narrowed it down from 'fear of falling' to, actually, fear of hitting the ground'. "
And Stephen Fry's pedantic correction of the phrase, "You could have heard a pin drop" to the infuriatingly correct "Actually it's more accurate to say 'you could have heard a pin land.' " He's so right, damn him...
In a suit filed on 20 September, it is claimed a crypto-currency called "GayCoin" was delivered via a smartphone app, rather than the Bitcoin he had ordered.
Crypto-currency is basically virtual money - like an online version of cash - and Bitcoin and GayCoin are some of those currencies
According to the complaint, the GayCoin crypto-currency arrived with a note saying: "Don't judge until you try".
"I thought, in truth, how can I judge something without trying? I decided to try same-sex relationships," the complainant wrote.
"Now I have a boyfriend and I do not know how to explain this to my parents." https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-49933003
An 80 yr old woman was recently married to her 4th husband. A reporter was interviewing her, and asked about the occupation of her new husband. She replied that he owned a funeral home. Curious about the other husbands, the reporter also asked about their occupations. The woman paused for awhile and stated that her first husband was a banker. The second one, whom she loved dearly, was a circus master. The third one was a minister.
Puzzled by her answers, he replied "None of these people have anything in common! Why did you marry them?"
She stated that she married number one for the money; two for the show; three to get ready; and four to go!
4
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Three pets sadly die. One is an Alsatian, the second is a poodle, the third is a Persian Blue cat.
They cross the Rainbow Bridge and come before God, seated on his heavenly throne.
He turns to the Alsatian.
"why should i let you enter?" He asks.
"Because I am fiercely loyal to my owner, I guard him with my life, I am dedicated, trustworthy, friendly and obedient."
"Indeed, then come in!" Gestures God.
He then turns to the poodle.
"And why should I let you in?" He asks.
"Because I am intelligent, loyal, companionable, and very useful. I can be trained to provide different services, and am attentive and loving."
God invites the poodle in.
Then he turns to the cat.
"And you, why should you enter?"
The cat, licking its chest, quietly replies,
"I think you'll find you're in my chair...."
8
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter looks at the box of tampons, and then asks the older boy, "You're getting these for your Mum, right?"
The Boy shakes his head, and pokes his thumb at his younger brother.
"They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist smiled, puzzled...
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw an ad on TV that said, if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
edited March 2020
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were sitting at a bar trying to define true happiness. The Englishman said, true happiness is arriving home tired after a long day’s work and finding a gin and tonic waiting for you. You English have no sense of romance, said the Frenchman. True happiness is when you go on a business trip, you find a pretty girl who entertains you and you part with no regrets. No no, said the Russian, true happiness is when you are at home asleep in your bed at 4 in the morning, there is a pounding on the door, and it is the secret police who tell you, “Igor Zelinsky, you are under arrest”, and you then are able to say “Sorry but Igor Zelinsky lives next door.”
I interrupt the COVID-19 pandemic to bring you my latest episode.......
Last night I went to the supermarket to buy a bag of food for my dogs.
Already in line, a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.
I stared at her (those who know me will imagine my gaze 🤔😳) ...but then why would I be buying dog food...right? 😝😝
So on impulse I told her no, that I didn’t have a dog, that I was starting the dog food diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but i did weigh 4 kilos less!
I told her that it was the perfect diet and that all you had to do is carry a few biscuits in your pocket and eat one or two every time you feel hungry (I have to mention that practically everyone in line was interested in my story).
Frightened, the woman asks me if I ended up in the hospital because the dog food had poisoned me. I answered...of course not!
I was admitted because I bent down to sniff the bum of a German Shepherd and I was hit by a truck
Comments
Hmmmmm....I think you may have missed the joke @Kerome
Joke, there was a Joke? Bees are a serious matter! Oh yeah freebees.
@Kerome ... it is a joke. Read again, particularly the ending ...
I on the other hand, have really and legitimately been a bee-keeper. I had a wonderful hive, and we had some marvellous honey from it. Because we had a queen separator, the bees had plenty of honey for themselves, beneath it. Above it, the takings were ours...
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"
God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone"
The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought..."
The big bad wolf had converted to Buddhism. There was peace in the forest. Suddenly. SCREAMS.
A bystander asked the running animals, "What's happened now?"
"The big bad wolf," a goat said, "is meditating."
"So?" said the bystander, "Isn't that a good thing...?"
"Noooo!" the goat bleated.
"It's become aware wolf!"
Bravo @lobster! Really enjoyed that. The previous one about the freebies though... so long-winded with such a small payoff... it was perfect
Ba-Dum Tch! Everyone's a funny one!
What are the three levels of Buddhist enlightenment?
Once Returner
...
Non Returner
...
Tina Turner
Incidentally, I’m currently applying to be a postman. Hopefully this isn’t a scenario I need to anticipate.
I watched a programme yesterday on exactly how they put metal ships together.
Simply riveting....
"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets"
A recent documentary highlighted the increase in the theft of vehicles from multi-storey car parks. Totally wrong on so many levels...
Jokes about white sugar are rare, jokes about brown sugar … Demerara.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: It did not have the guts to do it ...
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”
The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”
The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
"Somehow I don't think I'm quite cut out for this yoga stuff"
I used to have a fear of hurdles.
But then I got over it.
Actual comment from a friend of mine.
"I used to suffer from basiphobia until I narrowed it down from 'fear of falling' to, actually, fear of hitting the ground'. "
And Stephen Fry's pedantic correction of the phrase, "You could have heard a pin drop" to the infuriatingly correct "Actually it's more accurate to say 'you could have heard a pin land.' " He's so right, damn him...
(I'm furious because I should have spotted that!)
Love plays on words, and similar...
Does a dog have Buddha nature...
Upon which the pupil replies: “To whom are you telling that?”
Man sues Apple claiming iPhone turned him gay
In a suit filed on 20 September, it is claimed a crypto-currency called "GayCoin" was delivered via a smartphone app, rather than the Bitcoin he had ordered.
Crypto-currency is basically virtual money - like an online version of cash - and Bitcoin and GayCoin are some of those currencies
According to the complaint, the GayCoin crypto-currency arrived with a note saying: "Don't judge until you try".
"I thought, in truth, how can I judge something without trying? I decided to try same-sex relationships," the complainant wrote.
"Now I have a boyfriend and I do not know how to explain this to my parents."
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-49933003
Cocktail humor:
When life throws you lemons, make cocktails.
"Western" version - "Make a cowboy".
I laughed so much when I read this....
That’s gold Jerry.....
80 yr Old's 4th Marriage
An 80 yr old woman was recently married to her 4th husband. A reporter was interviewing her, and asked about the occupation of her new husband. She replied that he owned a funeral home. Curious about the other husbands, the reporter also asked about their occupations. The woman paused for awhile and stated that her first husband was a banker. The second one, whom she loved dearly, was a circus master. The third one was a minister.
Puzzled by her answers, he replied "None of these people have anything in common! Why did you marry them?"
She stated that she married number one for the money; two for the show; three to get ready; and four to go!
Three pets sadly die. One is an Alsatian, the second is a poodle, the third is a Persian Blue cat.
They cross the Rainbow Bridge and come before God, seated on his heavenly throne.
He turns to the Alsatian.
"why should i let you enter?" He asks.
"Because I am fiercely loyal to my owner, I guard him with my life, I am dedicated, trustworthy, friendly and obedient."
"Indeed, then come in!" Gestures God.
He then turns to the poodle.
"And why should I let you in?" He asks.
"Because I am intelligent, loyal, companionable, and very useful. I can be trained to provide different services, and am attentive and loving."
God invites the poodle in.
Then he turns to the cat.
"And you, why should you enter?"
The cat, licking its chest, quietly replies,
"I think you'll find you're in my chair...."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter looks at the box of tampons, and then asks the older boy, "You're getting these for your Mum, right?"
The Boy shakes his head, and pokes his thumb at his younger brother.
"They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist smiled, puzzled...
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw an ad on TV that said, if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
Hopefully there isn't a similar study to statistical thermodynamics in the realm of Buddhism
...Define 'best' - !
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were sitting at a bar trying to define true happiness. The Englishman said, true happiness is arriving home tired after a long day’s work and finding a gin and tonic waiting for you. You English have no sense of romance, said the Frenchman. True happiness is when you go on a business trip, you find a pretty girl who entertains you and you part with no regrets. No no, said the Russian, true happiness is when you are at home asleep in your bed at 4 in the morning, there is a pounding on the door, and it is the secret police who tell you, “Igor Zelinsky, you are under arrest”, and you then are able to say “Sorry but Igor Zelinsky lives next door.”
and the the Scotsman c...sorry. Wrong movie.
My friend just asked Siri to tell him a joke... she said:
"What did the Buddhist Monk say to the hot dog vendor?"
"Make me one with everything"
I interrupt the COVID-19 pandemic to bring you my latest episode.......
Last night I went to the supermarket to buy a bag of food for my dogs.
Already in line, a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.
I stared at her (those who know me will imagine my gaze 🤔😳) ...but then why would I be buying dog food...right? 😝😝
So on impulse I told her no, that I didn’t have a dog, that I was starting the dog food diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but i did weigh 4 kilos less!
I told her that it was the perfect diet and that all you had to do is carry a few biscuits in your pocket and eat one or two every time you feel hungry (I have to mention that practically everyone in line was interested in my story).
Frightened, the woman asks me if I ended up in the hospital because the dog food had poisoned me. I answered...of course not!
I was admitted because I bent down to sniff the bum of a German Shepherd and I was hit by a truck